Movie Review: Resurge This!!

Rating: One star, for pointlessness and general stupidity

Welp.

Just got back from seeing Independence Day: Resurgence.

Extremely Short Review: AAUUGH KILL ME NOW

One-sentence review: Do not go see this if you have any affection at all for the original, which was freaking Shakespeare in the Park compared to this bloated, technobabble-stuffed, heartless mess.

WARNING: ROT 13 RANTY MC RANTFACE FOLLOWS (To read the code, plug into this website.)

Bxnl, jurer qb V fgneg? Jvgu gur snpg gung Ebynaq Rzzrevpu nccneragyl srryf gung PTV ba fgrebvqf, obeebjvat sebz nyy gur qvfnfgre zbivrf bs gur cnfg 20 lrnef, vapyhqvat Fna Naqernf naq uvf bja 2012, znxrf hc sbe npghny punenpgref naq trahvar rzbgvbaf? Gung ur'f qenttvat (nyzbfg--Jvyy Fzvgu qrfreirf na Bfpne sbe cnffvat ba guvf bar) nyy gur npgbef sebz gur cerivbhf zbivr vagb n cergragvbhf, qhzorq-qbja frdhry gung purncraf jungrire tbbqjvyy gur bevtvany vafcverq va vgf nhqvrapr? Gung nf V jnf jngpuvat vg, V ernyvmrq gung rirel fprar jnf qrfvtarq gb znavchyngr zr, jvgu ebhfvat zhfvp naq fvyyl fcrrpurf gung jrer cbbe ergernqf bs Cerfvqrag Juvgzber'f bevtvany, vagb guvaxvat guvf jnf npghnyyl n fgbel gung znqr frafr? Naq gur "fgbel" orngf jrer bss-xvygre, fghcvq naq uhzbeyrff?

Tnu. V gnxr n onpx frng gb ab bar va zl ybir sbe Wrss Tbyqoyhz, ohg V ernyyl jvfu ur, Oerag Fcvare, naq rirelbar ryfr vaibyirq unq fubja Ebynaq Rzzrevpu gurve pbyyrpgvir zvqqyr svatref.

Bxnl. Fubeg cybg: Gur nyvraf erghea jvgu n Uneirfgre Fuvc gur fvmr bs gur Ngynagvp Bprna, jvgu gur vagragvba bs qevyyvat guebhtu gb gur rnegu'f pber naq senpghevat gur cynarg. (Ol gur jnl, fnvq uneirfgre fuvc jvcrf bhg Rhebcr naq gur ragver [erohvyg] Rnfgrea Frnobneq nf vg pbzrf va naq CYNAGF VGFRYS BA OBGU PBAGVARAGF YVXR N GRA-YRTTRQ FCVQRE, JUVPU JBHYQ VZZRQVNGRYL SENPGHER GUR CYNARG JVGU AB QEVYYVAT VAIBYIRQ. Nccneragyl guvf guerr-gubhfnaq-zvyr-jvqr ornfgvr trarengrf vgf bja tenivgl, juvpu cebivqrf n unaql-qnaql rkphfr sbe Ze Rzzrevpu gb haebyy gur 4gu Trarengvba PTV! Rkcybfvbaf! Oernxvat tynff! Fpernzvat fnpevsvpvny ynzof, re, uhzna orvatf! Fhpxvat hc NYY GUR OHVYQVATF NAQ PVGVRF, PNEF NAQ SERRJNLF (naq crbcyr) VAGB GUR NVE  nf vg pbzrf va, naq, nf Qnivq Yrivafba fb phgryl abgrf, "Jung tbrf hc zhfg pbzr qbja," naq thrff jung? Gur erohvyg Rzcver Fgngr Ohvyqvat penfurf vagb gur tebhaq nagraan-svefg! Nppbzcnavrq ol nqqvgbany cvgul Yrivafba pbzzragnel: "Gurl nyjnlf tb sbe gur ynaqznexf!")

(Ol gur jnl, guvf vf tvira nyy bs SVIR FRPBAQF' rzbgvbany jrvtug va gur zbivr, naq BAYL orpnhfr n abj-tebja Qlyna Uvyyre, npr-gbxra-oynpx-cvybg, frrf uvf zbgure Wnfzvar, abj n qbpgbe naq tvira nyy bs guerr yvarf bs qvnybthr, qvr orsber uvf rlrf! Vg'f gur HYGVZNGR ERSEVTRENGBE, crbcyr.)

(Ohg url, n guerr-gubhfnaq-zvyr-jvqr fuvc chapuvat guebhtu gur ngzbfcurer fubhyq unir qrfgeblrq vg naq xvyyrq zbfg yvsr ba Rnegu naljnl, frggvat bss, bar jbhyq guvax [Arny Fgrcurafba, uryc zr], znffvir gfhanzvf naq sverfgbezf. [Bu lrnu, naq gur qroevf sebz gur bevtvany Zbgure Fuvc vf fgvyy beovgvat gur cynarg! Hu...jung unccrarq gb bhe Uneq Enva???] Ohg gura, jr jbhyqa'g unir unq n cbvagyrff ovyyvba-qbyyne tebffvat zbivr, abj jbhyq jr??)

Ohg url, gur cyhpxl uhzna enpr, yrq ol n fvyire-orneqrq, CGFQ-evqqra Cerfvqrag Juvgzber, svtugf onpx!! Bayl, nf uvf abj-tebja qnhtugre Cngevpvn fb jvfryl abgrf, "Qnq, jr'er abg tbvat gb jva guvf gvzr," naq lbh qnza orgpun jr jbhyqa'g unir...UNQ VG ABG ORRA sbe gur qrhf rk znpuvan guebja va sebz abjurer, va gur sbez bs NABGURE nyvra enpr yrnqvat n...TNYNPGVP ERORYYVBA???? Guvf enpr [ovbybtvpny? NV? vg'f arire znqr pyrne], n juvgr fcurer gung vf gur nccnerag ybir puvyq bs gur Qrngu Fgne naq Rir sebz Jnyy-R, cbcf bhg bs n jbezubyr nobir gur Zbbaonfr orsber gur Uneirfgre Fuvc neevirf, ubyqvat bhg vgf sevraqyl Yhpnf-rq naq Qvfarl-svrq unaq va pbzenqrfuvc naq cbgragvny Nyvra Dhrra Xvpxnff [Evcyrl, jurer ner lbh?], naq jung qb jr [naq Znqnzr Cerfvqrag] qb???

"Fubbg 're qbja, fba! Yrg'f qrfgebl nal cbgragvny nyyvrf orsber jr rira xabj jub gurl ner, jvgubhg nal nggrzcg gb gnyx gb gurz!"

Bu, ohg bhe cyhpxl Svir Gjraglfbzrguvat Urebrf erfphr gur urneg bs gur Ybir Puvyq Fcurer whfg nf gur Uneirfgre Fuvc neevirf, naq pneevrf vg, guebhtu znal inevbhf cybg gjvfgf naq geninvyf, gb Nern 51 jurer, gur perrcvyl hangebcuvrq Qe. Oenxvfu Bxha vf whfg jnxvat hc nsgre uvf gjragl-lrne anc. Qe. Bxha whzcf bhg bs orq nf vs ur unq erny zhfpyrf naq qvirf vagb gur zlfgrel bs gur Gval Ybir Puvyq Fcurer! Zrnajuvyr, va n Znffvir Frevrf bs Qvfwbvagrq, Pyhzfl Rqvgf, Rnegu'f qrsrafrf nggrzcg gb qrfgebl gur Uneirfgre Fuvc, frg bss Pbyq Shfvba Obzof, unf n Terrql Fnyintr-Uhagvat Pncgnva xrrc jngpu ba gur cebterff bs gur nyvra'f pber-qevyyvat ynfre, pbzcyrgr jvgu n ubxrl PBHAGQBJA PYBPX ("lbh unir bar ubhe!...lbh unir sbhe zvahgrf...lbh unir GJB zvahgrf" [jvgu 20 zvahgrf bs svyz erznvavat], naq bu lrnu, gur Gval Ybir Puvyq Fcurer fcrnxf Ratyvfu gb Qe Bxha naq gryyf uvz gurer'f n jubyr TNYNPGVP ERORYYVBA bhg gurer whfg jnvgvat sbe n pregnva lryybj naqebvq gb yrnq gurz...naq cbbe CGFQ-evqqra Cerfvqrag Juvgzber funirf bss uvf orneq, vafcverf uvf qnhtugre gb pel bar grne, naq cvybgf gur Pbyq Shfvba Obzof vagb gur urneg bs gur Gra-Fgbel Nyvra Dhrra'f crefbany genafcbeg naq QBRFA'G RIRA QRFGEBL URE, guhf znxvat uvf fnpevsvpr hfryrff rkprcg gung vg zbgvingrf Cngevpvn gb GNXR GB GUR FXVRF NAQ ORPBZR N CVYBG NTNVA, ohg fur qbrfa'g qrfgebl gur Gra-Fgbel Nyvra Dhrra rvgure! Ure oblsevraq, bar bs gur bevtvany Svir Cyhpxl Gjraglfbzrguvatf, fjbbcf bhg bs gur fxl va gurve obeebjrq nyvra svtugref npdhverq qhevat gurve rfpncr sebz gur Uneirfgre Fuvc [jurer vafgrnq bs chapuvat na nyvra bhg nf Jvyy Fzvgu qvq va gur bevtvany, fnvq oblsevraq qrzbafgengrf uvf pbbyarff ol cvffvat ba gur Uneirfgre Fuvc vafgrnq] naq svanyyl, svanyyl, qrfgeblf gur Nyvra Dhrra va n ohefg bs ynfre sver naq terra chxr-vaqhpvat Tubfgohfgref-fglyr nyvra oybbq!

Bu ohg Terng Tuh, gung'f abg rira gur raq! Gur Gval Ybir Puvyq Fcurer gnyxf gb Qe. Bxha, fntryl abgrf gung "Uhznaf ner n snfpvangvat fcrpvrf," naq bssref gur jbeyq gur frpergf gb VAGREFGRYYNE GENIRY, naq va gur ynfg yvar bs gur zbivr, Qe. Bxha cebabhaprf gung jr pna tb gb gur fgnef, yrnq gur eroryyvba, naq XVPX FBZR NYVRA NFF!

Guhf, bs pbhefr, frggvat gur fgntr sbe na raqyrff zbarl-tehoovat senapuvfr gung jvyy cerfhznoyl fhpx gur ragver Zneiry naq Yhpnf/Qvfarl havirefrf vagb vgf obggbzyrff znj.

*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*

Unless you're really fond of flushing your money down the toilet, folks, I wouldn't waste my time.